How to know when it’s time to divorce: Therapists and lawyers share their opinons

If there is one thing therapists and family lawyers can count on, it’s a steady stream of couples coming to them and considering divorce.

Holidays, birthdays and other major milestones are often times when people start evaluating their relationships, said Marissa Nelson, a Washington, DC-based marriage and family therapist.

“We’re either going to figure this out (and) that means action, couples therapy, retreats, individual therapy, workshops or … divorce’,” she said patients tell her.

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Some couples crumble over the weight of difficult life circumstances, but others learn to work together and come out stronger, said Samantha Klein, a partner and head of the California family law practice for the law firm Withersworldwide.

You should try everything you can before heading into divorce and carefully consider whether it’s a road you want to go down, she cautioned.

That’s because the process is hard – logistically, emotionally and financially.

That said, there are ways you can navigate conflict and divorce for better outcomes and a kinder uncoupling, Klein said.

Here’s what the experts say.

Big problems that can lead to a split

Divorce should not be entered into lightly, said Dr. Monica O’Neal, a Boston psychologist.

But some circumstances raise big flags that it might be a good option.

“No. 1, obviously, would be if somebody’s safety really was at risk, whether that’s from any of the types of abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, any kind of abuse,” she added.

If abuse is involved, O’Neal advised leaving as quickly as you can, because the longer you stay, the more violent it can become.

While physical abuse is often clearest to identify, it’s not the only kind of abuse that you should take seriously, she added.

Emotional abuse is about power and control, Nelson said.

Signs that someone is emotionally abusing you include their being demeaning, insulting, threatening, controlling, limiting of your contact with friends and family, humiliating, intimidating, shaming, and dismissive of your needs and wants, she added.

“All of these different things start to erode your sense of self, your self-esteem, your self-concept, and also your sense of reality,” Nelson said.

Infidelity is often cited as a condition that would make someone leave a relationship without question, but it can be a complicated decision, O’Neal said.

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“I’ve seen many couples bounce back from infidelity,” she said. “Infidelity is one of those things that can be talked about, it can be discussed, it can be processed.”

Often infidelity is connected to other problems that need to be resolved. If a couple can get to a place where they can discuss those deeper issues, they can sometimes build a new, better, healthier relationship, O’Neal added.

However, it’s always important to take care of yourself and any children that may be part of the family.

“Think about creating safety first, and if that means you have to be out of the relationship in order to be safe, then that’s what you should do absolutely,” O’Neal said.

Will differing views drag you down?

Some circumstances that can strain a relationship are harder to identify as either a part of the ups and downs of life or a sign that your relationship isn’t working.

Sometimes differing views on parenting, disagreements on what to do with a parent who needs care, feeling unsupported in a stressful period or losing intimacy can pose significant challenges.

Often it isn’t the issue itself that makes or breaks the relationship – it’s how you handle it, Nelson said.

“Everything (besides abuse) is solvable, for the most part,” she said.

“There are a lot of things that are solvable, but it’s going to require good communication, and it’s going to require compromise, and it’s going to require really being able to hold space for each other’s realities in big decision-making. There is no space for being dogmatic about your stance.”

Is your partner willing to go to couples therapy? For some people, therapy is scary, but will they work through that fear, try reading books about relationships, or talk to a religious leader or someone else?

If you can come to respect one another’s perspectives, work together, compromise and stay open to changing your shared plan as needed, that commitment can go a long way, Nelson said.

“If there is an unwillingness to change, an unwillingness to do couples therapy, an unwillingness to seek out support to work through these challenges,” that is a sign the relationship might not work, Nelson said.

Individual therapy can also be a great help, even if your partner won’t do couples counselling, O’Neal added.

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That way, you can identify what you are bringing into the relationship and what you can do to strengthen it, if you choose to do so.

Even if you think your relationship is headed for divorce, Marilyn Chinitz, partner in the matrimonial department of New York law firm Blank Rome, recommends digging deep to uncover the root problems in your relationship first.

“When I meet a client and they come in and they’re not 100 per cent sure that they want to get a divorce, I will give them recommendations of three therapists, and I tell them, spend your money and time there,” she said. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

After thinking things through

If you have weighed all the factors and decide to move forward with divorce, there are many new decisions to make.

“No matter how much divorce might be the best thing for you or your relationship, and you’ve come to terms with that, divorce is still a loss,” Nelson said.

Maybe you’re grieving the loss of your identity as a married person, a vision for your future, having your children under your roof all the time, or even just having someone to share dinner with at the end of the day.

Regardless, the loss that comes from divorce can send you on a roller coaster of unexpected emotions, she said.

People can act out when they are in pain, but it’s vital that you address your feelings head-on to heal from them, Nelson said.

“If you don’t let this relationship go, it will eat you up,” she said.

“If you’re still holding on to it, that will erode your sense of self and also make it harder for you to open your heart again to love in the future.”

Lean on the support of your friends, family and potentially a therapist. What’s more, try to keep in mind what you want life to look like after your divorce to make the best decisions you can during the process, O’Neal said.

She posed questions you should contemplate: Where do you want to be five years after? How do you want the divorce to feel for your kids? How do you want things to feel between you and your ex-partner at the end?

“You don’t have to be friends. And you’re still going to grieve. It’s going to feel awful. It’s really going to feel like a death of something,” she said.

Still keeping that goal of what you want your life to look like on the other side helps you get to that better life.

What about the kids?

A kind divorce is especially important when kids are involved.

“A parent needs to appreciate and to understand that just because the marriage is ending, their roles as parents are not ending,” O’Neal said.

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The goal is to raise children with healthy relationships with both parents and set them up for success for the rest of their lives – and that means not leaning on them or bad-mouthing their other parent, she added.

“Your children are not bystanders,” Nelson said.

“You have to get yourself into therapy and work through what you’ve been through so that you can learn how to consciously uncouple and co-parent.”

If you had issues communicating during your marriage, Nelson said you’re going to have to do better, during and after the divorce.

Even if their other parent is behaving badly or talking poorly about you, the best step is not to fire back, O’Neal said.

Instead, explain to your children that they don’t need to defend you to your ex. But give them tools and space to help cope with the conflict.

“Anything that comes up that sounds hard to hear, come back and we can talk about it,” O’Neal recommended saying to your children.

“I’m not going to tell on you, and if I need to, I’m going to ask you if I can say something to your parent about it.”

The divorce is also happening to your kids, and they need a clear avenue of support and to know both of their parents love them, she added.

And don’t think your children aren’t affected just because they are older, Nelson said.

For college students and older adult children, divorce can hurt as much, if not more, “because their sense of home, or their sense of family is with their parents,” she said.

“That can shake their foundation, as they have just launched.”

Legal concerns

A postnuptial agreement may be a good idea for couples who aren’t sure about a divorce yet, said Nicky Rooz, lead of the East Coast family law practice for withersworldwide.

Laying out what would happen in the event of a divorce can answer the question of whether you can afford the legal process of permanent separation, she said.

You are making those decisions when you likely are still working on the relationship and are more likely to be kind to one another.

Then you put the agreement aside and focus on the emotional elements of the relationship, Rooz added.

If you decide you can’t save the relationship, there are many ways to divorce, she added.

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A bitter court battle isn’t necessary, Rooz said. “You can mediate. You can do collaborative law.”

Avoiding a scenario involving the courts can yield some of the best outcomes because the two people who know the relationship best are deciding how to end it, she said.

Moreover, the professionals you hire can have a great impact on the way your divorce unfolds, Klein said.

“Is the person you’re hiring somebody who is settlement focused, or are they going to recommend that you go to court right away? Is it somebody who sends letters that are respectful and civil and productive to opposing counsel, or somebody who sends letters that are aggressive unnecessarily and argumentative unnecessarily?” she asked.

Your lawyer can just as easily say the same thing in a kind way as an aggressive one, said Atlanta-based family law attorney Randall Kessler.

And not only does approaching the legalities with respect help maintain your dignity, it also is looked on more favorably by judges, he added.

Divorce is scary, and you will likely have to do a lot of work to understand your financial situation, how your lifestyle may change afterward and what happens to your home, Klein said.

But it doesn’t have to be a worst-case scenario, she added, especially if you aren’t shy about reaching out to resources such as accountants, financial advisers and reputable lawyers.

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